Friday, October 5, 2018

Review Slender Man (2018)


I had a friend named Paul Slindermen.  He was just the fucking worst.  He was the kinda dude to break bottles behind the Stop n Shop and when you asked him to knock it off he'd call you a pussy.  Then when the cops come by he'd clam up and we'd all get in trouble.

He was also a "one-upper". Every time anyone had a story no matter what the subject, he would then conveniently bring up a similar but "better" story about an experience that happened to him but was previously not shared until the moment after you gave your story.  You know he's full of shit but hey that's Paul.

Now this doesn't have anything to do with anything but I saw Slender Man a couple days ago and for the life of me I can't recall anything even remotely eventful in it to talk about for this review.  All I can think about is that asshole Paul Slindermen.
If a group of nobodies read the Wikipedia entry on Slender Man then they all made a checklist of things that would happen in a Slender Man story then that checklist was passed on to a bunch of old white-dudes-in-suits studio heads and they said, "now this is what the kids are into today" and then you filmed that and then ran it through 46 test screenings in the middle of bumblefuck Walmartville America and the film was reshaped to appease this audience then maybe you get an idea of what Slender Man is like.

I'm saying it's generic as fuck.  I'm not saying we need goddamn auteur theory here but it would be nice if a single person made one decision that deviated slightly from what you'd expect.  This film has no personality.  It's fucking mayonnaise on white bread.

It's not even bad really just low effort.  And it's a shame cuz the Slender Man story is creepy and if only someone cared maybe we could have gotten an equally creepy interpretation.  The film has it moments but it consistently fails to elevate beyond the generic teenage jump scare horror.

Go watch The Ring and see how this story can be done right.  Or if you want creepypasta adapted in an amazingly unique and nuanced way go watch the 3 seasons of Channel Zero.

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